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 Raising
the bar on self-esteem
I want to tell you a secret. Most agony aunts write their own
problems. There I’ve said it, the cat's out the bag, no doubt the
league of agony aunts will be knocking on my door, disgusted that
their secret’s out. I feel a little guilty, like a magician going
against the code of the magic circle and showing how a trick is done.
But I hope I will be forgiven using this admission as it does prove a
point.
As a coach I don’t often hear the words “can I pay you to raise my
self-esteem". Why? Because people with ‘low self-esteem issues'
don’t have the self-esteem to ask for help or feel that there is
anything that can be done to help them. Perversely, many people
who are, on the surface, hugely confident also have low self-esteem;
they are so scared of being challenged, taken out of their comfort
zone or circle of control that they create a big, bumptious bullying
persona. Do you know anyone like these two extremes?
So - what is it, where does it come from, do I have enough of it, how
do I recognise it in others and what can I do today to raise my
self-esteem barometer?
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is the impression we hold of ourselves which,
consequently, influences all of our experiences in life. Self-esteem
reflects how we think about ourselves and the value we assign to
ourselves as people. These thoughts may be positive, e.g “I am
intelligent and capable" - or negative, e.g "I am stupid and useless".
I have been coaching a single mother who has recently stepped into the
arena of ‘on line dating'. When we were discussing her strategies for
her future I uncovered a potential self-esteem issue. This discovery
came about when I asked her what she thought other women on the site
may be writing about themselves in their profiles. She highlighted
that they talked about how good looking they were, how much fun they
were to be with and how lucky a man would be to date them. My client
on the other hand felt a million miles away from this and no amount of
‘outside’ influence by people saying that she too was like this was
going to persuade her otherwise.
How do I recognise Self-Esteem in others?
If high self-esteem enriches one’s life, making you feel good about
yourself, increasing your sense of belonging, feelings of security,
energised and empowered to tackle new challenges, confident and
courageous enough to take risks and push boundaries with an innate
belief that success is yours for the taking. Conversely those with low
self esteem are ‘troubled by life’, they have feelings of paranoia,
feel they are not worthy, not clever enough, do not belong in this
peer group, company, relationship. People with low self-esteem have no
energy, see things from a negative point of view, a half-empty
perspective; they see problems, obstacles and have a limited comfort
zone and so need not go very far to push the barriers.
Where does it come from?
Self-esteem originates in our beliefs as explored in the last edition
of one-up magazine. If you have been told positive things about
yourself and genuinely believe them to be true due to your own
experiences then you will have high self-esteem; if they are the
opposite, if you have been told negative things and believe these to
be true as your experiences have verified these beliefs you will have
a lower self-esteem. So in my client's experience those individuals
with the attributes already mentioned have those beliefs about
themselves, which is backed up by those around them. The circle
continues, esteem stays high. My client on the other hand does not
necessarily feel or think the opposite, she just doesn’t have a
particularly high opinion of herself which she will put across to
others and hey presto a Self full-filling prophecy!
How Can I raise my self-esteem Barometer today?
People with high self-esteem use language in the positive. They say
challenge rather than problem, I won’t rather than I can’t, I could
rather than I should. They are totally responsible for their actions
rather than being a victim of circumstance, they look back only to
learn lessons for the future from the past rather than dwell on what
coulda, shoulda, woulda been if only they had done xyz. Look at
the language you use. Make it a priority today to only use words and
phrases that empower you: listen to yourself and your colleagues. Our
subconscious mind will do its best to do exactly what we ask it to do,
so it will go just as full out to try and make you do it today as it
will to do it today.
Conversely spend a day listening. People love to be listened to and
you will find them opening up to you in a way that competitive
conversation doesn’t. Competitive conversation is the type that most
of us have daily; we all look for our entrance into the conversation
to have ‘our say’. What can you learn from this day of listening to
others?
What can I do to change it
Here are 7 exercises to raise the barometer of your self-esteem or at
least to check its power levels.
1) Newspaper headline
Imagine your life as a headline right now. How would it read? “Cor
what a scorcher!” ? Or something less positive. ? Check your headline
every day, if it’s not what you’d like, change the paper, change the
headline into something you would prefer to read each morning.
2) Do something!
People with high self-esteem get things done, people with low
self-esteem procrastinate and let others take control of their lives.
Think of the things that you have been putting off. Sewing on that
button, tidying the cupboard or making that phone call. Make a list of
all the small jobs that need doing: even if it’s long, don’t worry,
just get them all on the list. Then choose one, tackle it and cross it
off the list. You will be amazed at how great it feels to do something
you have been putting off for a long time; you never know you may feel
like tackling a few more.
3) Be your own best friend.
Imagine that you are your best friend. You are totally
non-judgemental. As you step out of your own skin and stand next to
yourself, what can you do to comfort and help? Would you give yourself
a hug and a word of encouragement? what would those words be? Write
yourself a letter, verbalising all these helpful thoughts and
encouraging words. Keep this with you and when you feel low take it
out and read it.
4) Have a clear out.
Clutter is low self-esteem for the home. If you walk into someone’s
home and you see messy, cluttered rooms you bet your bottom dollar
they suffer from low self-esteem. Look into someone’s wardrobe, if
it’s full of clothes that they used to wear when they were younger,
slimmer or happier they have low self-esteem. Have a good clear out,
separate into three piles: chuck, give, keep. Chuck out everything in
the chuck-out pile, give away anything in the give-away pile and keep
(tidily) everything in the keep-pile. You will be amazed at the new
energy that will surround you and your home once you do this exercise.
5) Forgive someone
It looks the toughest but it really isn’t; it’s paradoxically the
easiest - it takes nothing more than a thought. To live without
forgiveness means you live with resentment, which means that however
big the distance, you are bitter neighbours, tied together in
unforgiving battle. To forgive does not give others free reign to
tread on you, it does not condone their behaviour, it just allows you
to move forward, focus on the things you want and allow you to
engineer the future you want.
6) Do a good turn every day.
Remember the guides and the brownies - that was their motto wasn’t it?
Well it also goes a long way to raise self-esteem. This could be
picking up some rubbish, helping someone pack their shopping or
helping someone cross the road. By doing something for someone else
you are forgetting about your own troubles and jumping into someone
else’s world. Seeing things from another’s perspective can give you
insight and also make you feel happier about your lot; there may also
be the side effect that someone says "thank you" and gives you a fuzzy
feeling.
7) Finally check out who you are hanging out with.
Very often we mix with people who self-perpetuate our feelings.
Therefore if we are full of energy, happy and go-getting these are the
people who we spend most of our time with. Likewise if we feel low
about ourselves our ‘friends’ will also have a similar outlook as they
unconsciously make us feel better about doing nothing and give us
permission not to progress our lives. If your circle are dragging you
down, get out of it for a while and seek out some people with some
high self-esteem attributes that you admire, it’s infectious either
way, you choose!
Self-esteem ebbs and flows. Our health, other people, the weather,
circumstances - in fact just about anything can affect it. It is
normal to have this fluid movement with our emotions and the
self-esteem that controls our day to day performances. The trick is to
learn the lessons that the day or the situations teaches you.
What will you take forward to make your future better and what will
you leave behind with the knocks of the day.
No matter who we are, what level in our careers or personal life, we
can all do with a bit of self-esteem checking. As Adlai Stevenson said
“It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a
horse!”
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session so you can experience the benefits of coaching for yourself.
Executive coaching
I specialise in helping successful executives in large and small
companies become more successful. Think of an executive coach as a
personal trainer keeping you on track for the current challenge or the
next move. If you would like to find out more about executive coaching
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