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Raising the Bar of
Self Esteem
I have spoken to a
number of coaches on the role of self esteem. None of them said that a
client had come to them with the specific view to raising self esteem
but coaching had facilitated a recognition of low self esteem and had
the knock on effect of raising it through their sessions.
So what is it, where
does it come from, do I have enough of it, how do I recognise it in
others and what can I do today to raise my self esteem barometer?
What is Self Esteem?
The Coaching and Mentoring International (formerly UKCLC who I studied
with) say it is “ The impression we hold of ourselves which,
consequently, influences all of our experiences in life. Self esteem
reflects how we think about ourselves and the value we assign to
ourselves as people. These thoughts may be positive, eg “ I am
intelligent and capable” or negative, eg “I am stupid and useless”. I
have been coaching an individual who only on the third session eluded
to the fact that there may be self esteem issue’s. This was uncovered
when I asked him to describe the people he regarded in his
organisation as ‘high flyers’. He gave them attributes that he
regarded as high self esteem characteristics such as ‘Saying the right
thing, looking the part, always delivering what they say, always being
on time, always looking like they know what they are doing.
How do I recognise Self Esteem in others?
If high self esteem enriches one’s life, making you feel good about
yourself, increasing your sense of belonging, feelings of security,
energised and empowered to tackle new challenges, confident and
courageous enough to take risks and push boundaries with an innate
belief that success is yours for the taking. Conversely those with low
self esteem are ‘troubled by life’, they have feelings of paranoia,
feel they are not worthy, not clever enough, do not belong in this
peer group, company, relationship. People with low self esteem have no
energy, see things from a negative point of view, a half empty
perspective, they see problems, obstacles and have a limited comfort
zone and so need not go very far to push the barriers.
Where does it come from?
Self esteem originates in the beliefs system. If you have been told
positive things about yourself and genuinely believe them to be true
due to your own experiences then you will have a high self esteem; if
they are the opposite, if you have been told negative things and
believe these to be true as your experiences have verified these
beliefs you will have a lower self esteem. So in my clients experience
those individuals with the attributes already mentioned have those
beliefs about themselves, which is backed up by those around them. The
circle continues, esteem stays high. My client on the other hand does
not necessarily feel or think the opposite, he just doesn’t have a
particularly high opinion of himself at all and neither do those
around him. Self fulfilling prophecy!
Do this 5 minute quiz to
see how high your self esteem bar is today
If you have 5 minutes, why not test yourself now. Write 20 statements
about your self, the first 10 being ‘I am’ the second 10 being ‘I am
not’. ( I’ll tell you what it all means at the end and where on the
self esteem spectrum you fall)
How Can I raise my self-esteem Barometer
today?People with high self
esteem use language in the positive. They say Challenge, rather than
problem, I won’t rather than I can’t, I will rather than I should.
They are totally responsible for their actions rather than being a
victim of circumstance, they look back only to learn lessons for the
future from the past rather than dwell on what coulda, shoulda, woulda
been if only they had done xyz. Look at the language you use. Make it
a priority today to only use words and phrases that empower you,
listen to yourself and your colleagues. Our subconscious mind will do
it’s best to do exactly what we ask it to do so it will go just as
full out to try and make you do it today as it will to do it today.
With this in mind you could also try affirmations. This is a way you
can re-programme the mind to do not only what you tell it (it will do
that anyway) but what you want it to understand (there is a
difference) Imagine a child running near a swimming pool, if you stay
stop running or don’t run, the child will probably continue to run.
This is because the subconscious does not understand the negative. If
on the other hand you say walk or slowly you will no doubt have more
luck. Affirmations are always in the positive and the present and
could say I am a non-smoker, I know what I am doing and always deliver
my promises. Say that to yourself every morning when you arrive at
your desk after another bad journey and see what effect it has on the
way you feel about yourself and others feel about you.
So do you have enough of it?
How many of your 10 I am statements were positive? Ie I am a good
friend, how many of them were factual and needed no effort to think of
them? I am a mother, how many represented achieved goals ie I am a
home owner, If the majority of your statements were positive and goal
attributed then your self esteem is high, more than five negative, I
am lazy, I am always late for meetings, I am inpatient etc, etc you
have a tendency to low esteem.
What about the I am not statements? If you were unable to complete
them all this is a good sign and shows that you actually find it hard
to consistently think negative thoughts about yourself. If you were
able to complete some of them and they reflect things that you have
not done which you would have liked ie, I am not a mother, a home
owner, a board director then you need to see what is stopping you from
getting these things you want. Finally, are the final statements
negative or statements of fact, ie I am not boring, I am not stupid.
Self esteem is always present. It ebbs and flows through you and can
be effected by your self and others to both positive and negative
advantage. No matter who we are, what level in our careers personal
life we can all do with a bit of self esteem checking. As Adlai
Stevenson said “ It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you
look funny on a horse!”
A modern day parable to get you thinking about how you act in
challenging times
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was
miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She
was
tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one
problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with
water and placed each on a high fire. Once the three pots began to
boil,
he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground
coffee
beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying
a
word to his daughter.
The daughter, moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was
doing. After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the
potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs
out and placed them in a bowl. He then ladled the coffee out and
placed
it in a cup.
Turning to her he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?" "Potatoes,
eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied. "Look closer", he
said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that
they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After
pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee.
Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face. "Father, what does this
mean?" she asked.
He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had
each
faced the same adversity, the boiling water. However, each one reacted
differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but
in
boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with
the
thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in
the
boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the
ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the
boiling
water, they changed the water and created something new. "Which are
you," he asked his daughter."
When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a
potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us,
things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what
happens within us. Which one are you?
Coaching Clinic
Sophie a client in the beauty trade has gone freelance. She has a
number of challenges facing her which are to do with, childcare
concerns, money worries and confidence that she is ‘the right
character’ to run her own business.
She has been living in Spain for the past couple of years and like
many ex pats is trying to earn a living where other people go on
holiday. She was in discussions with a friend who had a number of
holiday lets in the area. She was going to ask her friend if she could
add something to her website and look at getting some brochures
printed up to put in to the holiday lets.
Her issue’s are common, she ‘can not see the wood from the trees’ she
can only see the ‘challenges’ as problems and therefore wants to solve
them. I was reminded of a Buddhist analogy of the ant and the eagle.
The Ant can only see what is directly in front of it’s small nose. It
has incredible power can lift huge weights in comparison to body
weight and can travel long distances, can travel quickly and can work
long hours, however because it is so near to the ground and so close
to the task it cannot do anything else but push dirt around. The eagle
on the other hand who soars above the trees can see the whole forest
and has the pick of the best food and nest building materials. Who has
the better view? Of course it’s the Eagle. How can we get a better
view of our own problems or challenges? By rising above them like the
eagle and looking at the bigger picture.
Sophie began the session with lots of I can’t because…… and what if’s……
I challenged her to think of the situation as it could be if she knew
she couldn’t fail and with that she listed her goals and objectives
for her burgeoning business.
Her goal is to make an independent living. Not only independent of her
husband but also of an employer who could take the income away if his
vision or objectives changed.
To make a flexible living so she can care for her young school age
child during holidays and after school.
Be a business that will grow with her stimulate her and allow her to
use her skills which are varied in holistic massage as well as general
beauty procedures.
Once she knew what she wanted to achieve she was able to look at her
‘offering’ Rather than worrying about small incidentals. She decided
to ‘go for it’ and list on her friends web site what she wanted to
sell rather than what she did not want to sell. This sounds very
simple. However it is quite common for small business’s to add
offerings on to their services which are actually more trouble than
they are worth. In her situation she did not want to traipse all
across town for one waxing booking where she had to worry about how
hot the wax was. She therefore decided to package all her offerings
into holiday massage or holiday pampering packages which meant that
she could do at least one a day when her child was in school, if she
got any more it would be worth her while to get a child minder and
because her time was limited she could encourage people to book before
they came on holiday.
In the course of the session she went from having an idea that she
thought would not sustain her and therefore her talents becoming stale
and wasted. Feeling that she didn’t have a lot to offer anyone and
that she was wholly grateful for her friends generosity in allowing
her web site space.
To
Feeling that she was offering a fantastic service to those people who
have come away on holiday without having had time to trim, pluck and
tan the bits on show. Offering her friend a USP that only much larger
holiday operators could offer. All this and also being flexible,
working the time she wanted to work and contributing substantially to
the household finances so her dream of opening a salon was in her
control.
And all this came from her, her ideas and her vision from above the
trees rather than down on the ground.
Coaching tip. Try looking at your challenges not as problems
but as part of the solution. Look from above the tree like the eagle
and ask ‘If I knew I could not fail, what would I like the outcome to
be?” Once you know where you want your destination to be, it’s much
easier to draw a map.
Quote: “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where
there is no path and leave a trail” Ralph Waldo Emerson
(Please be assured that though this scenario is written to sound real
it is actually a culmination of many different ‘clients’ and
situations and is only meant as a point of reference. I will never
disclose any confidential information which is discussed during our
sessions)
Last word - New Year
New year is a time when we think about new years resolutions. How many
times have you said this year I will ……….Where will you be next year
in 2007? Try this (you have nothing to lose!) Write down on a piece of
paper all the things you want to achieve this year. State it in the
positive and as if it has already happened and how you feel about it.
An example, I am delighted that I have given up smoking. I am very
happy that I find quality time each week to spend with my family. I am
proud to be promoted to xxxx and rise to the challenge. You will be
amazed at how this simple exercise will focus your attention
(especially if you revisit them regularly) and will make your wishes
turn into dreams which in turn evolve to goals which inevitably will
be fulfilled.
“Where the attention goes, the energy flows!”
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